kathleen

# "Kathleen Ain't Retiring" **Verse 1** Kathleen's been at work so long they built the place around her, Some folks think she signed the Declaration with a fountain pen and ruler. Retirement? Don't say that word, she'll look at you confused, Like you just suggested she should give away her shoes. The HR lady asked her once, "What's your retirement plan?" Kathleen said, "Show up Monday. Same as always, ma'am." They offered her a farewell cake, she sent it right back home, Said, "Why would I retire when y'all can't function on your own?" **Chorus** Kathleen ain't retiring, not now, not ever, She's gonna haunt this workplace long after we're together. In fifty years we'll still hear, **"Have y'all seen my phone today?"** As Kathleen patrols the hallways keeping everybody straight. She's spending Randy's money like she's got a royal fund, Buying enough plants to create her own ecosystem. And if one leaf blows in her pool from three counties away, She'll have the skimmer out before it hits the water's face. **Verse 2** She listens to her phone through hearing aids all day long, Laughing at a video and singing with the song. The rest of us are staring like we've lost our minds again, Because somehow she believes we're hearing everything she can. She'll say, "Wasn't that hilarious?" and everybody nods, Pretending we know what she's talking about to stay in God's good graces. Meanwhile she's cracking up at something only she can hear, And we're just hoping she doesn't call on us from over there. **Chorus** Kathleen ain't retiring, not now, not ever, She's gonna haunt this workplace long after we're together. In fifty years we'll still hear, **"Have y'all seen my phone today?"** As Kathleen patrols the hallways keeping everybody straight. Boujee as can be, from Florida by way of Japan, A queen of clean whose standards no normal mortal can withstand. **Bridge** She's got so many plants the neighbors call it a rainforest tour, Tourists stop and ask for maps when they pull up to her door. The butterflies have HOA meetings every Tuesday night, And the hummingbirds are paying rent because the landscaping's so nice. The young girls at work stay walking a perfect straight line, Because Kathleen's got that look that can stop crime. No dirt, no clutter, no nonsense, no mess, And for heaven's sake don't touch her seat if you value happiness. **Final Chorus** Kathleen ain't retiring, let's finally tell the truth, She'll be clocking in at ninety-five still supervising the youth. The building may get sold someday, the owners may all change, But Kathleen will still be sitting there saying, "Y'all are acting strange." She's the Pool Queen, Plant Queen, Shopping Queen too, Keeping Randy's credit card permanently overdue. And when the world finally ends and the last bell rings, Kathleen will say, **"Before everybody leaves... have y'all seen my phone?"** **Outro** The answer is always the same: "It's in your pocket, Kathleen." "...Oh."